Over the past few months, I have felt something stirring deep inside me. Now that I’m in my 40s, that feeling is deeply terrifying. It’s too late, right?
Hell no.
It’s making me question all my life choices, making me question my happiness, but most importantly, its making me question how truly authentic I am being to myself.
I start thinking that my professional career was the wrong choice, wondering if remarrying was rushed, wondering if four kids is what I signed up for. Truly earth and life shattering questions!
I believe that God brings people and experiences into our lives for a reason, and at the perfect time so that we can recognize the gift if we look closely enough. My gifts came in the millennial world of social media. Now hear me out!
Sitting at home one weekend, three kids with my ex, my toddler running around while I grumbled on the couch, and a husband that once again was gone with the military, all I felt was pain, sadness, and loneliness. I felt depressed, forgotten about, and overall the victim of a messed up life. My finances were wrecked. My body was wrecked from four kids and the endless amounts of crap I was putting into it. I was dreading the upcoming workweek and the endless shuttling of kids. The more I thought about my life, the deeper my hole became. I started considering taking some antidepressants that my husband had stockpiled in our cabinets from the VA.
Then I did something that started the slow change. I jumped on social media, and created a new account just for posting my scenery photos. Why? No clue. Not sure why I chose this, but once I got started, I felt a little light starting to flicker deep inside.
Within three days, I had gained over 100 followers, with amazing comments being left on my photos. Now I could care less about the number of followers, but it began to open my eyes, and my ability to view, other people’s pages showing off their beautiful scenery. I couldn’t get enough, and even reached out to a few photographers to tell them how much I loved their photos. It was like a whole community that I had stumbled across. I actually cried after reading the kind words.
I kept posting more of my favorite pictures, and realized that somewhere along the way, I had put down my camera and stopped doing the one thing I enjoyed. I let everyone else start dictating how I should spend my adult life. Within one hour that weekend, I created a website specifically to display my photos, and even allow others to purchase prints. I came up with a name for my photography company, called my dad to tell him the news, and asked him to help me set up my own LLC.
My heart was on fire, and suddenly, one person’s site displayed a screen name for a popular video based social media site. I had never used the site, but clicked on the link, and was transported to a visual heaven. The mountains of Montana and Colorado were shown off in stunning display from personal videos. Then as I flipped through the platform, I saw rivers and waterfalls, and hiking trails, and heartfelt testimonials of individuals who stressed the importance of following your dreams and not letting more time slip past. I was ready to jump in my car and take off. But I’m a responsible parent, wife, and employee, so I stayed where I was just dreaming of what the world, and this life, could show me.
I drifted through the workweek dreaming of ways I could leave it all behind. But the logistics were too much. I needed the money, and really didn’t want to fight my ex in court over moving my children cross country. Once all my work was done, I signed back on to the video site to start daydreaming. I had already told my husband about my new dream to buy land in Montana. Needless to say, he was totally on board.
After looking at more beautiful mountains and streams, my feed started moving towards the motivational speakers, and as if God was speaking directly to me through a tatted up guy that had seen some shit, I heard the lesson loud and clear: “We are ALWAYS one decision away from a different life.” The emphasis was on the word always. In that instant, I realized that I had the ability to control my life and make the important decisions, always.
I floated through my two hour drive home thinking about this statement. If living in Montana was truly my dream, I knew I had the ability, through my decisions, to make it happen one day.
Once at home, I pulled up this social media platform again, wanting more motivational quotes, but what came through my feed was a continual wave of horses, and trail riding, and full speed running on the backs of the most beautiful horses that I’ve ever seen.
Waves of memories came flooding back of times that I was truly happy, riding with my dad when I was in high school. That feeling of flying and freedom, oh how much i missed it and hadn’t even realized. My new dream took another shift, and now included horses. Maybe owning? Maybe a large ranch one day that we could pass down to our kids? Always dream big!
I called my husband, waiting to hear him chuckle at my idea, but he just said that he’s all in, and by the way, did he ever tell me that he helped his family with horses when he was younger? Funny how things fall into place.
I realized very quickly that I’m not a victim of my life. I’ve just lost the vision that God had given me. Now I just need to start always making decisions that take me closer to my authentic self.
Please join me in this journey…
Behind the Line 